Page 12

GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICL

May, 1990

RONICLE Page 13

Lesbian & Gay Parenting

The trials and tribulations

One couple shares their thoughts and experiences

by Martha Pontoni

A miracle happened in Cleveland Heights recently. Actually three miracles happened to two women and we thought we would let these women tell you about it. Marcia and Mary, both lesbians, decided that they wanted to give birth to and raise children. What they didn't expect was that they would both get pregnant at the same time and that Mary would be expecting twins.

This is their story about why they chose artificial insemination, what their parents thought, their thoughts of community expectations and on what it would be like to raise a non-traditional family. Lesbians having children is not new, but having three at once is probably a record of some kind. And they say Cleveland isn't an exciting place to live! Marcia and Mary have asked us not to use their last names, not because they are closeted but because they want their privacy.

Marcia had her daughter on January 1, 1990 and Mary had her twins, a boy and a girl, on April 5, 1990. This interview

took place just after Marcia's daughter was born.

Chronicle: Why did you choose anonymous artificial insemination?

Mary: We considered all of the options: affairs, using sperm from males I know, and artificial insemination with anonymous donor sperm. It quickly became apparent that the latter was the only option I could feel good about. Among the considerations were health risks, including the risk of AIDS. The major issue, however, was that this was my decision. It was a decision I reached after a lot of contemplation and evaluation. I was willing to accept the responsibility for a child for the rest of my life. That was a decision I didn't want interfered with. Using sperm from anonymous donors through a hospital program provided me the most protection in both health and legal matters.

Marcia: We knew people who had selected their own donors and screened them. I personally couldn't imagine it; screening donors and arranging your own insemination is very time consuming. It was far more convenient to call the donor bank and say, "Well, it's tomorrow," and they would say, "Fine, 9:00." I was able to work around it. The convenience was important because it went on for quite a while.

Chronicle: Having no identifiable father, what are you going to tell the children?

Marcia: We are going to wait till they ask.

Mary: Children ask questions when they are ready to know the answers. The specific answers will depend on when they want to know and their development and understanding. Personally, I feel comfortable with this issue. I wanted these children very strongly. In my mind this was the most legitimate and honest way to have a child.

Marcia: They are going to have feelings about it and I can't predict what they are going to be. They are going to have a two parent family. It is just going to be

a different family; I just hope they can see it that way.

Mary: There are going to be issues and problems in any family. Children have lots of questions when they are growing up; we plan to deal with these as they arise as openly and honestly as possible. Right now, I feel optimistic that we'll be able to address this.

Chronicle: What about raising children without a male figure?

Mary: We both have male friends and family who are supportive and excited about being involved in the nurturing and raising of these children. Those are very positive male figures that we feel fortunate to have in our lives.

Chronicle: What will the children's last name be? Will they have different last names?

Mary: Yes, they will have different last

names.

Marcia: We felt it was important for them to recognize that while we are family, they will have different heritages.

Chronicle: What about boy children? The more radical lesbian women's community objects to male children being brought into women-only space.

Mary: Before I became pregnant, I spent a lot of time trying to evaluate how I would feel about having, then raising, boys. It soon became evident that I just wanted to become a mother; it made no difference whether that was to a boy or girl child. As I've gone through my pregnancy, I feel even more strongly about this. If we have male children we will

deal with these issues in the community. It is necessary to have women only spaces, but I don't see that this will be a major obstacle in our raising children.

Marcia: There are technologies available that will increase your chances of having a boy or a girl. It is very expensive. But is it that important? It wasn't for me. One book we like recommends some exercises where you ask yourself, "you just had a boy, what is your reaction?", or "you just had a girl, what is your reaction?". The goal is to see if you have different feelings with these two scenarios. I felt comfortable with either.

Mary: There are some within the community that believe you [lesbians] shouldn't bear or raise a male child, I

Photo by Pat Young

don't agree with this. Personally, I fee.. can be a good parent to a male child.

Chronicle: If your children grow up to be straight, what would you do differently from your parents in raising children of a different sexual orientation?

Mary: I think it is easy to sit say that we just want to raise these children to know that we will love them no matter what they are. I don't see that it is very different for a lesbian parent to raise a child in a nurturing and loving way and accept the child for whatever the child chooses to be. I think in some ways we are more aware of the choices. I don't think it is easy to choose to be heterosexual and I hope Marcia and I can be supportive of these decisions.

Marcia: I would like to think that they would be raised in an atmosphere where

such a difficult decision could be based on inner feelings, not societal pressures.

Chronicle: How are your parents reacting to all of this?

Marcia: I think they [my parents] were a little taken back. My concern is that they will view my daughter as the only child in the house. They don't know quite what to do with the situation at hand. We have to make sure that they understand that these kids are brothers and sisters. It is especially hard for my mother.

Mary: I decided to let my parents know by writing a letter. I was very nervous until they responded, not by phone, as I expected, but in a letter. When they wrote back, I was initially very nervous. They had always said that "what ever you do we will always love you" and I got a beautiful letter back. They both call a lot and send boxes of babies things. In some ways they are more excited about these grandchildren then any of the others. They are just overjoyed. My father and I have always been really close but he has never asked me very personal questions. Now he gets on the phone and asks me all kinds of questions. It took awhile for my mother to tell her closet friends about it. They live in a small town and "people don't do things like this." But she finally did tell her friends they were accepting. It seemed to allow her the freedom to enjoy the news.

Chronicle: Have Mary's parents accepted Marcia's daughter?

Marcia: In the letter, Mary had mentioned my situation. But they never really addressed that till several phone calls later. They seemed to not know how to bring it up but now it seems easier. They have sent gifts.

Mary: I think we will still have some problems. They will see my children as their grandchildren. And they won't know quite how to name or identify with Marcia's daughter. When I talk about how we are going to raise these three children as a family my mother responds like she understands, but there are no normal names to apply and she is a little confused by that.

Chronicle: What about the rest of your family?

Marcia: My sister was most upset. She didn't think her children would understand what I had done. She felt her oldest daughter would be upset. Eventually my sister just told her that she was going to have a new cousin and the five-year-old said, "Okay." She is not upset, she hasn't asked any questions and so far she doesn't see it as unusual. Hopefully by the time she asks questions we will be able to explain it so she can understand

it.

Chronicle: When you made the decision to have these children did you take into account how having a non-traditional family would affect them in their school-age years?

Mary: In Cleveland and Cleveland Heights there are a lot of non-traditional families. It will obviously bring up a lot of questions when they go to school and they see things they haven't seen before.

I think it goes back to answering ques-

tions appropriately. No matter what kind of Imily, if it is a happy environment, a loving environment, it is going to be a lot easier to understand and explain. One can't predict the specific situations that will arise; you just have to deal with them as they come up. We recognize that they wil happen and if nothing else feel a little joy about them. These are chosen children not illegitimate ones.

Marcia: I like to think that by the time they are in school there will a lot more families out there like us. I think there are many families that are complicated because of divorce and other things. I would like to think we are not so complicate because we are a two-parent family. Being a three-some will hopefully lend them support if "awkward" situations arise. That is where the group comes in, they will be three people who have grown up in the same situation.

During one of the many baby showers Marcia and Mary were given by their friends, we sneaked in and asked some of the friends what the arrival of the three children meant to them.

The answers are composites of the five or six women who participated.

Chronicle: Can you share your feeling about the this pregnancy?

Friends: I was overwhelmed. It is beyond my comprehension to have triplets. I immediately focus on the mechanics. I was concerned how they would manage. Then came a curiosity.

Chronicle: As lesbians we often have a sene of family with our friends. Will these babis change your lives too?

Friends: These children are importam to us to watch them and be involved in some way. They are not the community's kids but in some ways they are. They will be part of our community and we will be able to watch them grow.

Chronicle: How will it affect you if these tw are boys?

Friends: I think for me it is a ridiculous question. You get what you get. I know people feel strongly about it but I can't believe that human beings would reject the babies for being male. A

ronicle: What about the elimination of omen-only space if we bring our boy chidren into it?

Friends: It will still be women-only space; a male child is not attached to your side 24 hours a day. Whether the mother would choose to participate in it is other matter. It is almost like saying tot de mother that you have done something wrong by having a boy child. Whether the child is male or female it is still a wonderful miracle. Because you have a male child and you can't be part of the community makes me angry.

Iowa court lifts gay father's visitation restrictions

The Iowa Supreme Court has rejected a trial court's order that a gay father be restricted to visitation with his children only so long as "no unrelated adult" is present.

In lifting the restriction, the court stated: "This unusual provision was obviously imposed on account of Michael's homosexual lifestyle."

The case involved a gay father's efforts to retain visitation with his two children upon the dissolution of his marriage. Though his former wife conceded that Michael Walsh is a good and loving father who should have frequent visitation, she said she was concerned for the children because of Walsh's "gay lifestyle."

In a ruling that was clearly intended to keep Walsh's children away from his livein partner, the trial court imposed the much more sweeping restriction that no unrelated adult be present when Walsh sees his children.

To assist the Iowa Supreme Court in its deliberations, two national lesbian and gay legal organizations, Lambda Legal Defense and Education Fund, of New York, and the National Center for Lesbian Rights, of San Francisco, filed a joint friend-of-the-court brief arguing that the trial court harshly penalized Walsh simply because he is gay and lives with his partner.

The two groups urged the Supreme Court to overturn the lower court's restriction and treat the father like any other parent. The court issued its decision Feb. 21.

"In rejecting the restriction, the court seemed to recognize that children who spend time with gay parents and their partners are no more "exposed" to their "private sex life" than they would be to that of a non-gay couple," Evan Wolfson, Lambda staff attorney, said. "Being gay is not just about sex."

Non-biological mom can't see child

A New York appeals court has ruled three to one that a lesbian who had a child with her lover has no legal right to seek visitation after the couple separated.

Three judges said a prior decision of New York's highest court, where a nonbiological father lost his claim for visitation, bound them to rule against the lesbian non-biological parent. A strong dissent to the court's ruling was filed by a fourth judge.

Lambda Legal Defense and Education Fund represents Alison D., who became involved with Virginia M. in 1977. The two women decided in 1980 they wanted to raise children together. Virginia was inseminated with the sperm of an unknown donor, and gave birth to their son in July 1981. Three years later, Alison gave birth to a girl, whom they also intended to raise together. However, the couple separated shortly after the birth of their daughter.

Throughout the next four years, Alison had regular visits with their son, which Virginia agreed to and encouraged. Alison took the child on vacations, to visits with his grandparents, to school, to the doctor, and continued to care for his emotional and financial needs.

In 1986, Virginia started to limit Alison's time with the child, finally cutting off visitation altogether in 1987. Though Virginia never attempted to

maintain a relationship with their daughter after the breakup, Alison had developed a close parental relationship with their son in the 6.5 years before Virginia refused further contact.

When negotiations for visitation failed, Lambda's legal director Paula Ettelbrick filed a petition for visitation in state court in Poughkeepsie, claiming that Alison is a parent under state law. After the trial court ruled that Alison was not a parent because she is not biologically related to the boy, Lambda took the case to the appellate court.

"This ruling is a tragic reminder to all lesbian mothers, particularly those with no biological link with their children, of our vulnerability as parents in a world which refuses to validate our families," Ettelbrick said.

One judge did attempt to look at the child's relationship with Alison, and wrote a stinging dissent.

"Clearly, a child's love for, and attachment to, a person who has assumed the role of parent is no less merely because that person is not biologically related to the child," the judge wrote.

Lambda intends to seek an appeal to the Court of Appeals, New York's highest state court.

"We must keep pressing the courts and keep educating judges until they see that lesbian families have every bit the same rights to be recognized by the law as other familica," Ettelbrick said.

Courts in South Carolina, Alaska, California and New Jersey have acknowledged that gay or lesbian parents have a right to custody and visitation. The trend is in favor of gay parents but it is common for trial courts to impose restrictions that children not be exposed to other lesbians or gay men.

A large part of the Lambda-NCLR brief was devoted to a survey of scientific research on gay parenting and child rearing. It included studies showing 8 million to 15 million lesbian and gay men are parents, with 14 million children having gay or lesbian parents.▼

Massachusetts now permits gay foster care

Massachusetts Governor Michael Dukakis announced on April 4 that the state policy which effectively banned gays from becoming foster parents would be reversed. The new state policy, which will be in place in 45 to 50 days, will no longer include sexual orientation as a factor in the placement of children in foster homes.

A lawsuit initiated by gay rights and civil liberties organizations, challenging the policy which commenced in 1986, reached an out of court settlement just prior to the Governor's announcement. "This is an extraordinary victory for direct action groups and legal advocacy groups alike who have protested this discriminatory policy since 1985," said David LaFontaine, lobbying director of the Massachusetts Coalition for Lesbian and Gay Civil Rights. "Sooner or later, people have got to realize that being a good parent has nothing to do with one's sexual orientation."

Many Massachusetts gay and lesbian activists believe the recent passage of the Massachusetts gay civil rights law may well have been a factor in this recent foster care victory.

Gay foster care became the source of controversy in 1985 when Dukakis ordered two small children removed from the home of Don Babet and David Jean, two gay men who had the children in foster care. The gay and lesbian community responded with outrage and the groundswell of protest targeting Dukakis grew to national proportions, hampering his ability to win gay support in his presidential bid.